I really appreciate the core concepts of gentle parenting. I believe in treating children with respect, acknowledging their feelings, and trying to remain calm instead of yelling.
But I also believe that the people writing the “gentle parenting scripts” on the internet have never actually tried to wrestle a feral two-year-old into a car seat in a Target parking lot when it is ninety degrees outside.
The infographics always make it sound so simple. They tell you to get down on the child’s level, make eye contact, and softly validate their emotions. “I see that you are frustrated because you want to hold the glass jar of pasta sauce. It is hard when we cannot have what we want.”
In theory, the child is supposed to take a deep breath, feel heard, and peacefully hand over the jar.
In reality, if I try to softly validate my toddler when he is in the middle of a full-blown meltdown because I wouldn’t let him eat a discarded receipt he found on the floor, he does not listen to me. He goes completely rigid, turning his body into a stiff plank of wood so that I cannot physically bend him to put him in his car seat. He screams so loudly that people three rows over look at me like I am actively kidnapping him.
For a long time, this made me feel like a complete failure. I thought I wasn’t being “gentle” enough. I thought if I just found the perfect string of empathetic words, I could logic my toddler out of his rage.
Here is the messy truth: toddlers do not have logical brains. When their nervous system is completely flooded, no amount of gentle whispering is going to fix it.
You do not have to have a beautiful, therapeutic breakthrough with your child in the middle of a parking lot. Sometimes, the most loving, respectful thing you can do is just end the scenario.
When the meltdown hits the point of no return, I stop trying to recite the internet scripts. I do not negotiate. I simply pick my child up, hold him safely under my arm like a screaming surfboard, and walk out of the store. I put him in the car seat, and I say, “You are really mad. I am going to keep you safe while you are mad.”
And then I let him be mad.
I do not try to fix it. I do not try to shush him. I just drive home in silence while he processes his massive, irrational feelings about the receipt he couldn’t eat.
Gentle parenting is not about controlling your child’s emotions so that they never throw a tantrum. It is about controlling your emotions so that you do not scream back at them. If you manage to carry your screaming child out of a store without losing your temper, you are doing a phenomenal job. Ignore the perfectly curated advice, buy yourself an iced coffee, and survive the day.